I'm using the library's PC again. Still feeling very uncomfortable to write without privacy.


Some people might wanna whack me while reading this blog post, but I'm going to be honest with myself. Must at least be honest to my own blog right..?

Today was quite a big day for me. A day that I have been waiting since December, fearing, worrying, wondering... etc. After praying to God, I had 6 hours of sleep before getting ready for today.

While I was waiting for the bus to come, I was munching breakfast cereal down my throat... Usually I would be thinking of milk, but today my mind was pretty blank... Just stoning..

And..... I finally reached the test centre. Late though. Yup, I am having my driving test today.

After days of training, and trying to be polite to the instructor who I dont really click with initially, I am here today... Late for my test.. To be very honest, I wasn't very nervous. But I pretended to be nervous. Or else I dont know what to do, or what to feel. I guess I was suppose to be nervous.

Including me, there was 15 testees in the room, all of them seem sleepy to me. I figured out that if I pass or fail, I will be happy and sad. So I feel happy and sad even before the test. They dont cancel out though. Its quite a not well mixed feeling.

The tester that briefed us was an uncle, (though later I realised that all testers are uncles). The tester seems to be the kind that will pass anyone. He was putting up such a kind face. A korean girl who was going for her 1st attempt came and talked to me. She looked smart. It was easy to recognise her because of her features, and the bright red shirt she was wearing.

Later there was balloting. I was hoping not to get test routes 6&8, and wondered if I will be "lucky" enough to kena 2, 5, or 10 as well. 6, 8 are pretty easy routes. The only difficult part is to know when to move to the center lane since the left most lane will go somewhere else. 2, 5, and 10 - i heard - are the worst routes for 825am test time. Because everyone is rushing to work, and you are trying to lane change from most left to most right and do a U turn - AT heavy traffic. Even though yesterday my instructor only practised that heavy traffic route with me, and even though my confidence level went up a little bit, I was just wondering if I will be "lucky" enough to kena those routes. No particular feeling, just curious.

After balloting - I got this really unfriendly tester. I think he was looking for every single chance to fail me.. :( sigh... The Korean girl got the really kind face tester (the one who did the briefing). Even before the start of the test, I thought - she'll confirm pass... so lucky...

I prayed to God again.. feeling uneasy, since my tester was 10 mins late. He even called me by my FULL chinese name... ONLY. He instructed me like a dog... that was how I felt. When I said "good morning" the first thing I saw him, he only said "Go to your car now."

I was walking pretty fast, and he was quite far behind, so I stopped and waited for him.... and he barked at me again... "GO! Why are you standing here!?" I felt so hated.

All my courses went pretty well. Except for one - one of my most confident courses, he shouted at me.. SHOUT leh, Im serious. He said "You cannot drive is it? Your car is not straight. I SAID TURN LEFT. NO, RIGHT NOW. STEER PROPERLY..." I start thinking, he must really hate me. Felt quite discouraged, and I only lowered my voice to reply "sorry". Sigh...

When we were turning out to the main road, to be honest, I was at minor road, and I dont even have the right of way. But may be because I'm in a test car, so I was given way. When I stopped to give way, the other vehicals gave way to me instead. Dont have to guess further, the tester shouted at me for the second time, "People already give way to you, why did you stop?" I lowered my voice again.... "sorry...".... :(

I was trying to find words or thoughts in my blank mind, besides the two times he shouted at me, I think I was driving really well. Then the lane change that I had special training yesterday. I was searching for road pockets to enter. When I thought GOSH I DID IT, so happy, and he shouted again. "How can you enter that lane like that. The car behind was catching up, did you even see? You should have waited until after that taxi." and I..... "sorry".... :((((

The rest of the journey I didn't say anything besides "yes" when he said "turn left", "turn right". sigh... I can't tell if I will pass or fail. Honestly, HONESTLY, if he fails me, I dont know what to think. I HONESTLY thought I drove VERY well. I wonder if he thinks I'm deaf too, I was only sitting next to him, and he has to raise his voice so much...

So... standard procedure, I followed him back to the test room. Many sad faces around. I am one of them too. We sat by this little table, and he took out the test score sheet.
Fail to slow down when approaching road hazards (minus 6).
Change Lane abruptly (minus 4)
Unnecessary stopping (minus 4)

12 Demerit Points - Passed.

I... Passed.

I was waiting for him to scold me, but he didn't say a word. He just gave me the paper, didn't even say well done, nor congrats, nothing. He didn't even say good bye. I then looked at him, and said thank you. He didn't even return me with a smile. He just stood up and walked away.

I feel sad, but slightly happy.

Then I called my mom and told her. I was expecting that she will praise me a little bit, since I passed first time. But she asked me - you wore a mini skirt is it? GOSH, I was in specs, with my fringe clipped up uglyly, and my favourite black pants and long sleeve shirt and jeans jacket. Basically I'm wearing all my favourite clothes. DO I need a mini skirt to pass?! Gosh.... I think if I wear a mini skirt, I'll get immediate failure loh...

When I told my granny about it, her first reply was "first time? so smart!" followed by "your brother must be so sad..."

Ya.... That was the sad part. I wondered if I would pass, and what people might said to me. My brother who went for his 2nd attempt last week failed. Someone asked me if I will fail my test for my brother... I think that's just a stupid question. I am not going to use my license to show off. Though I felt a bit awkward if I were to tell my brother. I think.. for everything, I wanna try my best. I wanna be grateful for everything. I wanna give it all it, and get the rewards from my sweat. But ya... I feel very bad..... its not just the driving test...

The truth is, I really love my brother. I even thought of marrying him once when I was in P3. He - in my eyes, is the best guy (Back then.. not now liao, but I still like him a lot). He loved gundam, and he said he wanted to learn Japanese, so to keep close to him, I went to learn Japanese. In the end I am taking at advance level, and he's yet to start his course. My brother told me that his dream is to go to a Japanese University and stay there for awhile. He also told me that he wanted to get a scholarship someday so that he can lessen the cash burden. Now I'm going to Japan for graduate studies, topped with a full scholarship........

Now that I think about it, I wonder if my brother hates me. I didn't mean to do these to him.. But I seem to be hitting his confidence in every aspect.

I feel so sad.